Possessions
by nomdeplum9
Summary: She didn't want to be his. She didn't want them to be his. Angsty EO.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N-** Okay, this is what happens when I get writer's block. I lose all capability to write about the story I want to write about and random words pour out of my fingertips to my keyboard and they form this. This is a short, rather sad, story that I think I like. I've finished it, and it's a six-part tale. If it gets good reviews (hint-hint) I'll post the other five pieces up. If not, then I'll take this down and continue. NOTE-This has absolutely nothing to do with my other fic, Daughters of SVU. This is a product of insane boredom and writer's block.

**Disclaimer-** Not mine. Duh!

**Pretty Please?-** Reviews. I love them. I'll post the next five chapters sometime in the next five days if I get lots of reviews telling me if this story is good or bad or messed up or completely out of character. Who knows?

**Story Summary- **She didn't want to be his. She didn't want them to be his. Angsty E/O.

* * *

"Casey, I'm scared," Olivia admitted softly. She sat on the floor of her bathroom, holding that stupid little stick in her hand. Casey rubbed her back gently from her position on the edge of the bathtub, watching the stopwatch count down the three minutes of waiting. She didn't want to say anything, she didn't want to upset her best friend. Could Olivia really be pregnant? It was hard to believe. Not hard to fathom, but hard to believe, actually.

"Liv, it's time. Want me to look for you?" Casey pried the stick from her hands and glanced down. The nervous woman bit her lip and waited patiently. Casey embraced her and mumbled something in her ear.

"You're going to be a wonderful mom." The mother-to-be nodded and broke down, crying and leaning heavily on the young lawyer. Casey simply let her hold on and waited for the tears to stop.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't real, it couldn't be. If this was happening, then it was all real. And what would have to happen would break her heart all over again.

* * *

"Liv, do you know who your baby's father is?" She knew that this question could potentially hurt her. In fact, she was expecting it. What she didn't expect was her friend's reaction. She had burst into tears all over again and turned away.

"It only happened once, Casey. It only happened once!" were the only words she could say.

* * *

He had come to her a broken and angry man. She had let him in, because what else could she do? He was her best friend, her protector, and right now he was the one who needed protecting. He had weaved his fingers in her hair and kissed her, hard. It wasn't really love, not the way a man who is in love with a woman kisses her. It was love in the sense that they were best friends. She would be there for him, and he needed her. Actually, at that time, he had needed nothing more then her body. She had let him have it, because maybe it would help him. She was blind when it came to his well-being. She cared so much for him, but couldn't let him care for her as well. She was marked as unlovable. It helped her in some ways and hurt her in others. She had let him have her, and they hadn't even been protected. How could he have known that the last time she needed to take that pill they had been working through the night on a tough case? How she had thought she wouldn't need it, not until he was knocking on her door. He couldn't have known, and she wouldn't hold it against him.

She hated that, once they were finished and dressed and he was getting ready to go, she had spoken.

"What happens now?" She still shudders at the thought of those words.

"I don't know," he had replied, then left. For the first time in their partnership, she hadn't been the one to leave, at least not yet. He had closed the door and drove away, leaving her confused and upset and worried.

The worst part had come the day after. She had come to work, same as usual, only this time he wasn't sitting across from her. The captain's door opened and he walked out, with their boss looking after him with a pleading desperation in his eyes. He stormed away, not even bothering to look back. That was when the captain beckoned her into his office.

"He's leaving. He's going to work in Queens." She remembers shaking her head fervently, hoping that this was some sort of sick joke. She remembers running out of the office and onto the roof. The door was locked, she was alone, and she cried. The sky was her only witness, and it wasn't talking.

* * *

The next few weeks were miserable. She was partnered with the cynical senior detective, and nothing he could say would bring the smile back to her face. Her job wasn't a joy anymore, it was a nightmare.

Then came the day where nothing came. Nothing. She was worried, usually her body was like clockwork. She checked her calendar and manually counted the days. It was certain, today was supposed to be the day. With her nerves eating at the edge of her mind, she waited until the next day. Again, there was nothing. The same thing happened for the next five days. It wasn't coming.

On the fifth night, she called her friend with a clear trace of fear in her voice. Casey Novak comforted her on the phone, didn't ask questions, promised to pick up a test, then left. True to her word, she arrived holding a small plastic bag and a sad smile on her face. They disappeared into the bathroom, and Casey offered the other woman a little privacy. Then the countdown began. Three minutes of pure torture until the truth. That one little word that made possibly the strongest woman in the NYPD burst into tears appeared on the test. There wasn't much else to do. She was happy for her friend, but her friend was too busy crying to notice how happy she ought to be.

* * *

"Liv, why are you crying?"

"Because there is only one thing I can do right now and I have to do it." She took a deep breath and released her friend. She glanced around her apartment, around the place that she had come to know as a home for at least a decade now. Briefly, she had left it, but that was because she had had to leave. She had left Elliot and fled to the Feds. She worked with them in Oregon, undercover. It was a break she needed and felt he did too. He was angry with her when she returned, but slowly they worked into something that resembled the friendship they had once had.

Then he showed up at her apartment, and everything shattered.

* * *

"What do you mean, there's only one thing you can do now? Are you talking about having an abortion?" Casey was surprised that she would think of having one. She never seemed the type to do that. In fact, Casey was often jealous of the way she could handle children.

"No, not an abortion, I couldn't do that." The weeping woman stood up and looked out her window. The city was enveloped in rain and fog, a kind of day that matched her mood right now.

"What are you going to do, then?"

"Leave," she said simply, a sad smile on her face. "The only thing I can do now is leave."

"You're going to leave? What about Cragen? The squad? You can't just leave. They will all want to see your baby. They'll want to help you. Are you going to tell them?"

"No. It's better they don't know. Maybe, one day, I'll send everyone a postcard. But I'm going to leave. It is for the best, really. I have just one favor to ask of you."

"Anything."

"I know where I want to go. I know that it will be terrible, living alone and having a baby growing inside of me. In eight months, I am going to call you. I want you to fly out to me if you can. I can do everything else on my own, but I'd like you to be there when my baby is born. That shouldn't be kept from my best friend, the one person who cares about me." She knew the rumors flying around her and the previous ADA, Alexandra Cabot. There had never been any kind of relationship like that, but she had bonded with each lawyer simply because it was nice having a female in their midst. After being 'one of the boys' it was a nice and welcome change.

"I'll be there, Liv. Wherever you are." She felt a rush of sympathy towards her best friend.

"I want to drive you to the airport. Call me with your flight plans, okay? You shouldn't have to leave alone." Casey couldn't exactly say she was shocked. When in doubt, the detective ran. It was simply what she did. Usually, she came back. This time, she was seriously beginning to wonder whether this time would be the first time where the goodbye was permanent.

* * *

"Captain, can I have a word with you?" she asked, taking a deep breath. This part would be the hardest. He would ask questions, try to find answers when she didn't want to say anything.

"Sure. What's up?" He sat down and looked at her, trying to read her body language. Something told him this wasn't good.

"Tomorrow I'm leaving SVU." There, she said it. Now, wait for the explosion.

"What? You've already picked the date? Where're you transferring to?"

"Not transferring, Don. I'm leaving."

"What?" She saw the confused look on his face.

"I'm leaving. I'm going away." His face fell with a new look of knowledge.

"You're running away," he accused quietly.

"I don't know if or when I'll be back." Truth be told, she wasn't sure if she could allow herself to come back.

"Does this have anything to do with Elliot?" Her captain always was smarter then he let on.

Yes! "No, it isn't about him. It's for me."

"How long will you be gone?"

"At least a year, probably more," she whispered, wanting nothing more then to crawl underneath something and hide.

"You know, you'll always have a job here waiting for you. No matter what," he told her. Gently, she unclipped her gun and lifted her badge off of her neck. She put them on his desk and walked away.

* * *

Munch and Fin followed her, knowing something was up the second she stepped out. They didn't notice that there was no weapon on her hip and no badge on her person. They couldn't have.

Munch yelled her name, chasing her onto the sidewalk.

"What do you want, John?"

"What happened?" She had called him John. She didn't typically do that unless she was very mad or very appreciative of him. His guess right now was that she was mad.

"Nothing," she called over her shoulder. Fin ran up to her and caught her wrist. She turned around to jerk away and Munch grabbed her other arm.

"What's wrong?" Munch asked.

"Where's your gun?" Fin asked, noticing the empty holster. That was all it took for her to start crying once more.

"I'm leaving," she told them. "I'm going away, and I won't be back for a long time. Now, let me go!" She pulled back and took off towards her apartment, but the duo caught up with her once more.

"What happened? This isn't like you!" Munch exclaimed, but the crying woman simply sped up and eventually they stopped following her. She paused at a corner and turned around. They were standing, looking at her, a few yards away.

"Take care of Elliot, Casey, and Cragen for me. Goodbye," she sobbed, and disappeared into a crowd of people.

* * *

Running away was her thing. She ran away when she was afraid, nervous, angry, and needed to deal with things. It was the one impulse she had a hard time keeping in check. When in doubt, run. It was very simple. And now, it was another reality.

She didn't want these belongings. She didn't want to see the suits and sweaters and jeans that she had worn everyday to work. She left a few days of outfits behind in a drawer. She would keep the rent up on this place. If something happened where she was going, then she could run away. Except, if that happened it wouldn't be running away. It would be running back to a slightly safer place.

She fingered the gold necklace that she always wore around her neck. It was the only piece of jewelry she planned on taking with her. The rest would be locked away in the small safe of the apartment. If she was lucky, she would forget how to open it.

Her apartment looked rather lonely. She had dumped all the food, packed away all her silverware and plates into an overlarge suitcase. She had created an account with the local bank where she was going and bought a little cottage online. The internet was wonderful. She had went to the neighborhood library and logged on, found a realtor, and it was done after a call on her cell phone. Next was a car. She couldn't help but get a sedan similar to the one she and her partner had driven for so long. It would be exactly what she and her child needed. That was done over the phone, and she arranged where she could pick up the keys. Then she bought a new cell phone number and disconnected the old one. Perhaps Casey would be given that number before she left.

* * *

Her plane ticked was tucked safely in her coat pocket, next to her cell phone number. Her bag, stuffed with the basics, was sitting next to the door. The buzzer rang, a startlingly loud sound in the soon-to-be vacant apartment. Minutes later Casey appeared, wearing a tank top and khaki capris, not her usual court attire. After a few moments of meaningless small talk Casey glanced around the apartment for a final time.

"You're really going, aren't you?" she asked, and both of them instantly fought back tears.

"I have to," the runaway whispered, picking up the duffel bag and arranging the strap around her shoulder. "Let's go."

* * *

"Is there anything you want me to do for you, while you're gone, I mean," Casey offered. They both stood at the edge of security. Once she passed through the metal detector, she was as good as gone. This was goodbye.

"Check up on my place every once in a while, if you have the time. Don't let Cragen fall back onto the bottle on my account. Make Fin make peace with his son, and find Munch someone who'll care for him. You need to enjoy your life and your job. You do it so well. Make sure Elliot doesn't do anything stupid. You might be able to get through to him." She felt her voice crack and sniffed quietly.

"Anything else?" Casey asked, crying softly herself.

"Don't tell them anything. One day I'll have to explain myself, but I can't yet. Don't tell them about my baby, don't tell them any lie or truth about why I left. They'll annoy you, plead with you, and argue with you for any detail. Just remind them that eventually I'll come home. And don't change your phone number. In a few months, you're going to get a phone call. Don't forget that I want you there. Just, don't tell them anything, ok? The overprotective bunch of morons will find me out and they'll bring me back to New York before I'm ready."

"I won't tell them anything, but it'll be hard. On me, on all of us. You never noticed how Cragen looked at you like you were his daughter, how Munch was always quick to protect you. Fin would admit things to you that he wouldn't tell anyone else. I don't get how you can leave all of this so suddenly." Casey was confused, and she had a right to be. The golden girl of the unit, the one that held them together, was breaking them up.

"Because it's what I do, Casey," she whispered, bowing her head. She embraced the lawyer and cried for a long moment. Both women were unsteady on their feet and beyond sobbing.

"If you don't call me in eight months, I'll come after you and bring you back to the city myself," Casey threatened, laughing amidst her tears.

"Goodbye, Casey. Don't forget about me, ok?"

"I never could. Goodbye," Casey replied. The woman who had been a detective, who had only encountered another goodbye that could bring a reaction like this, hastily wiped the tears away from her face and joined the security line. She refused to look back until she had stepped through the metal detector and had reached a turning point in the corridor of the airport terminal. Then, she turned around and waved at Casey before rounding the corner.

Olivia Benson had successfully run away yet again.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N-** Hmm...so you all like this story? How interesting. It makes me smile to see the alert that I have emails waiting for me, but what makes me even more happier is seeing that the reviews are from people whose stories I've read and admired. Just because I got a few questions about this, I will put it in bold, underline to hope that you all read it. **This story has four more parts. If enough people are content with this story, I will post the four parts in the next four days. No reviews, no updates.**

**Disclaimer-** Not mine. Duh!

**Pretty Please?-** Reviews. I love them. I'll post the next four chapters sometime in the next four days if I get lots of reviews telling me if this story is good or bad or messed up or completely out of character. Who knows?

**Story Summary- **She didn't want to be his. She didn't want them to be his. Angsty E/O.

* * *

On that seven-hour flight to her new life Olivia thought about a lot of things. She had purchased a little cottage on the Pacific Ocean. She was running to the only other familiar place in the country, Oregon, the place she had been sent to while she was undercover. More specifically, she was heading to Winapoint, Oregon, a place her undercover self had never visited. She had read a brochure about the small seaside town while she was undercover. It seemed liked a nice place. It was small, quiet, and it was so different from New York that it seemed like a good choice. There was a county hospital ten minutes away from the town's borders, so she could deliver her baby and have doctor visits without a long travel time. Winapoint was going to become home. It had to be.

* * *

"My name is Olivia Benson. I bought the cottage on Scott's Point with my realtor last night." She was standing in the town municipal building. Her online realtor had told her to report to the place to pick up her keys. 

"Ah, yes, the New Yorker. Welcome to Winapoint, dear," the elderly woman behind the desk greeted. She took the keys and slid them into her bag. She climbed into her new car and drove out of the town and headed north until she found a shopping mall. She picked up several long summer dresses. She was going to change her style completely. She picked out skirts and a few slacks. In a few months, perhaps in January, she would return for maternity clothes. Satisfied with her completely revamped wardrobe, with feminine dresses for all seasons amidst the bags of new things, she drove back into Winapoint and followed the direction for Scott's Point.

She loved the location when she saw it online, and she admired it even more in person. Scott's Point was a little cliff that descended to a private little beach. A previous owner had taken the time to carve small steps into the rock and a little path winded it's way down the cliff. Her little cottage, which was just about the same size of her old apartment, was at the top of the point. Her nearest neighbors were a good ten minute walk away, and that was after her rather long driveway.

"Home," she whispered softly to herself. She rubbed her belly and looked at the cottage. The owners had left it furnished, she was lucky that she didn't have to spend money on furniture.

"This is home."

* * *

A job. She couldn't deny that she would need a job. But what could a woman like her do? She sat at her lonely little kitchen table and poured over the newspaper. She probably would need to get a laptop or a computer. Those were always good. Internet connection wouldn't cost her much. Years of saving her paychecks, added with the small inheritance she had received from her mother, had given her a good-sized account. She could last for months without having a job. She simply needed something to keep her busy. 

So she bought a laptop. That had a host of new jobs available for her to look through. Finally, she found the right one. She picked up her cell phone and dialed the number on the screen.

"I would like to apply for a job," she told the receptionist.

"Do you have any experience or training that would make you a candidate for this kind of work? Not everyone can stomach the things we deal with."

"I used to be a New York City Detective. My squad dealt solely with crimes such as these. I'm a certified rape counselor and I am good with victims. I can work from home and help people."

She sensed the irony of this particular job. Go online to a .org website that dealt with victims. Be a counselor available at certain times and talk with people online. She would still be dealing with the same stuff as everyone she had left behind.

The receptionist was talking to a supervisor. Eventually the woman cleared her throat and came back onto the phone.

"What is your name?"

"Olivia Benson, formally Detective Olivia Benson of Manhattan Special Victims," she clarified.

"Can you prove this?"

"Run my old shield number in the databanks. I will give you an accurate description and present myself at your offices if necessary." The woman on the other end spoke to someone, and she heard keys typing away.

"Recite your shield number, for confirmation." So Olivia did.

"Very well, Miss Benson. Where are you living now? We can name our nearest office and you can come in for an interview."

"I live in Winapoint, Washington."

"Winapoint? How fortunate. The principal of the school there is our leader in that area. Hold on one moment, please." She heard another person get onto a phone line and tidbits of the conversation that was happening. Then the woman on the phone conversed with someone else in the office a moment before coming back onto the line.

"Mrs. Lidley is available during lunch tomorrow. Can you meet her at one o'clock at her office at the school?"

"Yes. I am, however, new to the area, where is the school again?" Olivia felt stupid for asking.

"It's right behind the municipal building. Do you know where that is?"

"Yes. Thank you." She shut her cell phone and logged off her laptop.

* * *

Once she was finished dealing with jobs, Olivia decided to really look through her new home. It had a little attic attached to the second floor. The size of the first floor was basically the size of her apartment, with a living room, kitchen, small dining area, and a bathroom. The second floor, which consisted of three bedrooms and a small bathroom in the middle, was slightly smaller. She did her best to rearrange the furniture in a fitting style. Most of the pieces were older, white wood with faded blue cushions. It was very comforting in a completely new way. 

Eventually the cottage looked how she wanted it. She would need to go shopping soon, for baby furniture, and that was alright with her.

The ocean. She wanted to go take a walk by the ocean. Very carefully she made her way down the steps and stared at the little waves crashing on the beach. She was thankful that she had remembered to bring a blanket with her. It was windy, so she wrapped it tight around her shoulders and sat down, just out of the water's reach.

Then she cried. She hated herself for having to leave. She hated herself for not telling anyone, except Casey, about the life growing inside her body. The only person she wouldn't ever tell would be Elliot. Maybe, one day, she would tell everyone in the city about her baby. Maybe she would give Casey the go-ahead to spill some of her secrets. As long as Elliot never found out, it would be ok. Let him think that she had slept with someone else around the same time she slept with him. It didn't matter anymore.

She supposed it was heartless, keeping him away from a child that was rightfully his. But Olivia didn't think he loved her. She would become the next Kathy, and the cycle would happen all over again. He would marry her, because it was the honorable thing to do. She would have his child, become the cop's wife. Soon she would start getting angry with him and eventually she would leave him. She wouldn't last twenty years as Kathy had, but the cycle was still the same. This way was easier. She could support a child on her own, especially if she kept the internet job she was hoping to get the next day. She definitely had no plans on doing anything to conceive another.

She was going to turn into her mother, no doubt. She would do everything possible to love her child, but she would hate it because of why she had it. She could opt for an abortion, but she wanted this chance to be a mother. It had been her excuse for running away, and she was going to see it through.

* * *

The day after Olivia had left Casey received an urgent message on her voicemail. It was from Captain Cragen, of course, and he wanted her in his office immediately. Casey cringed as she heard his frantic voice on the phone, and knew that this could only be about one thing. Olivia. 

"You wanted to see me, Captain?" Casey asked, walking into her office. Playing innocent was her best bet, at least at the beginning.

"I went to Olivia's apartment yesterday and she wasn't there. Munch and Fin tried to visit her this morning, but nobody answered. Her phone line has been disconnected. She told me she was leaving, but I didn't know it meant the city!" he exclaimed, banging his fist down on the desk. Munch and Fin sat in two chairs across from the desks with sad looks on their faces.

"Captain, she left yesterday."

"Wait, you know something about this?" Munch asked, speaking up. Casey mentally beat herself up but nodded.

"Casey, what do you know?" Cragen asked urgently. She looked at each of the men. All of them were broken, at least in some way, and they had all come to love Olivia. She left, and now they couldn't function. Olivia had a lot of things to own up to.

"I know that she left yesterday, and where she was planning on going wasn't within driving distance."

"What do you mean?" Fin spoke now.

"I mean, I drove her to the airport yesterday. I know that she won't be back for at least a year, probably more. That's all I know." Casey felt so guilty, but she had made a promise to her friend.

"She told you where she was going, didn't she?" Munch stood up and walked over to the woman, getting dangerously close to invading her personal space.

"No," she mumbled truthfully. "She never told me that."

The amount of pain in that little office was unbearable. Munch, Fin, and Cragen were all confused and upset by the sudden absence in the squad room, and Casey was paying dearly for her promise.

* * *

Olivia walked away from her job interview successfully. She was now an online rape counselor. She would work from home and call Clara Lidley when she needed to go on maternity leave. Her life was now set up; a basic foundation had been laid down for the next few years of her lifetime. She needed something more to do, so she wandered into a general store in town. She found a little blue journal with a picture of a seagull on the front. It was a tourist novelty item, but it was sweet and necessary. She bought it, a few pencils, and took it home. 

She never fancied herself as the kind of woman who would write in a journal. Recording her daily thoughts were usually a bad thing, but perhaps that would change. She wanted a record of her life here. Maybe she would read them later. Maybe she would do a lot of things.

_September 1_

_Today I bought this little journal. Today I found a new job. Today I am four weeks pregnant with my child. Today I am unhappy._

_Tomorrow I will go to a doctor. Tomorrow I will start my online job. Tomorrow I will be happier._

_I left because I had to. I couldn't admit to Casey that I was going to have Elliot's child. I couldn't face Cragen, Munch, and Fin everyday and let them see my belly get bigger. I couldn't lie to them and say the father was someone else. I couldn't see him, even accidentally, and have him think that I slept with someone so soon after sleeping with him. This arrangement is best for everyone, I think. I will have my baby here, in Winapoint, and let the child grow up by the sea. I don't know how many years I will wait before I return, but I do not think I can last too long out here. Everything is quiet, so unlike the city. _

_When Casey comes, when my baby is ready to be born, she will be my source of information. I will want to know what is going on in the lives I left behind. I worry about Cragen, if he will fall back into the bottom of the bottle, if I have pushed him to it. Munch needs to find love and I hope he finds it soon. Fin needs to reconcile with his son, perhaps they will finally understand each other._

_Perhaps Elliot will get back together with his wife. Perhaps he will forget about me, forget about what he did. _

_Yeah, right. Eventually he'll return to SVU, it's in his blood. Once he is back, he will find out I left. He will get angry with me, maybe hate me. Maybe that's better. Better he hate me and not know my child is his then for him to hate me and know. _


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N-** So sorry about not updating as quickly as I wanted to. I had some responsibilities before my first class of the day and I couldn't make my way to my computer. Here's the next part, enjoy! And please, don't hate me just yet. This is an angsty story, so I may be overdoing it a bit on the emotions. But still, keep reading. Thanks! 

**Disclaimer-** Not mine. Duh!

**Pretty Please?-** Reviews. I love them. This time, only nice things and constructive advice only, please. If you hate something in the story, point it out and tell me what I could do to make it more enjoyable. Random insults aren't fun.

**Story Summary- **She didn't want to be his. She didn't want them to be his. Angsty E/O.

* * *

Months passed by quickly. Olivia Benson spent her days helping victims online and sitting on the beach. She visited the doctor regularly and was overjoyed to hear her child's heartbeat. She didn't want to know if it was a boy or a girl, the surprise kept her waiting. Her baby would be born sometime in May. When her stomach became too big for her to safely wander down to the beach, she sat a few feet away from the cliff and wrote in her journal. It was amazing how easily she adapted to putting her thoughts to words on the page. It was her outlet, her way of communicating with an outside world she didn't belong to anymore.

On the first of May, she picked up her phone and slowly dialed a New York number. Her fingers seemed to remember the phone number well, and it rang a few times before someone answered.

"Hello?" Casey Novak's voice answered nervously. She had been waiting for this phone call for months. After the test had been done in August, so many months before, she had come home and marked the month when her best friend's child would be born.

"Casey?" Olivia's voice whispered.

"Olivia! You called. How are you?" Relief flooded through her veins and she released a breath she had been holding in. Olivia had called.

"I'm huge, Casey. Want to come for a visit?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world. Where are you?"

"Your doorman should have a letter. I mailed it a few days ago. It's got your ticket inside. I asked him not to give it to you until today. How long can you come for?"

"I have a few weeks of saved-up vacation and sick days. I've already spoken to several ADAs from other squads, and they've agreed to cover for me for a month at least. When is my flight leaving?" Casey asked. She was holding her cell phone in one hand and already beginning to pack with the other.

"It leaves tomorrow, six a.m. your time. I'll have a car waiting for you at the airport when you land. I can't drive anymore, I can't see the brake." A long silence came over the line. In less then twenty-four hours, Casey would be seeing the runaway again.

"Ok. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Definitely, Casey. Goodbye," and then the line dropped.

* * *

She had thrown clothes for all sorts of weather conditions into her suitcase. She brought the baby gift she had purchased the day after she found out her friend was having a baby, and she packed some pictures of everyone that had been taken at various events in the months that Olivia had been gone.

She got onto the flight nervously. When she was waiting at the terminal, she found out that the plane was destined for Salem, Oregon. Of course Olivia had run to Oregon. It was the only other familiar place she knew. The flight, which lasted about six hours, was long, and she slept through most of it. Luckily, the seat next to her hadn't been taken, so her coat and carry-on reserved the spot. She wondered the entire time what her friend would look like, how she would have changed.

* * *

Olivia stood at the cliff's edge, waiting to hear the car drive up her driveway. Her hair, which had grown very long, blew around her face in the leftover sea breeze. She had chosen a nice maternity dress to wear, and it stretched over her belly. She was accustomed to feeling the little kicks, and she smiled each time she placed a hand on her stomach and felt it. She knew she had changed.

Then she heard a car crunching it's way up the driveway. Olivia took a deep breath and purposely faced the water, away from the drive, until she heard a car door slam and a bag drop onto the ground. Footsteps quickly came over to where she was, and Olivia turned around to see her best friend standing there.

"Hey, Casey," she whispered, resting a hand on her stomach and biting her lip. Casey smiled and quickly closed the space between them. She hugged the obviously pregnant woman and both of them started to cry once more.

"Oh, Liv, you look wonderful!" she managed, standing back a moment to look at her friend.

"I'm huge. Want to feel the baby kick?" Olivia offered, and Casey gently placed her hand her stomach. After a few moments, she felt a slightly bump against the palm of her hand, and she gasped.

"Liv, congratulations," she said.

"Come on, let's go inside. I think it's better if I sit, anyway."

* * *

"Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?" Casey asked, sipping her water and surveying Olivia's new home. It was small, comfortable, and she was sure to be able to raise a child here very well.

"Nope, I want it to be a surprise. I have names picked out, though, for each."

"Really? Can I hear them?"

"If it's a girl, she will be named Adelaide Claire. If it's a boy, then Michael Scott is my choice."

"They're beautiful names. How are you?" Casey had arrived the day before, and she had refrained from asking this question. Now was as good a time as any, though, so she decided to go for it.

"I'm fine. I have a job that lets me work from home, I have this beautiful little house, and I am ready to have my baby," Olivia said, careful to keep her answers short and sweet. She was anxious to ask about the rest of the squad, but she decided to let Casey finish first.

"What do you do?"

"I'm a rape counselor at a .org website. I offer advice and counsel online to the victims." Olivia blushed slightly, trying to think of something better to speak about.

"You couldn't stay away, could you?" Casey asked, and Olivia shook her head with a small smile on her face.

"Are you still with SVU?" Olivia asked, thinking it was a nice introduction to that topic.

"Yes. I'm happy where I am."

"How are the guys doing?" Olivia bit her lip and waited for Casey's response.

"They were angry and upset when you left. Cragen called me into his office the next day and they were all panicking because they couldn't find you. Now there are two new detectives, Edwards and Penton, along with Munch and Fin. Munch stopped talking about conspiracies, and Fin shut himself off from everyone else. Cragen doesn't really smile anymore, and I've caught him staring at his desk drawer longingly more then once. They haven't done anything stupid yet, but they're considering it. You had a powerful hold over those men, Liv."

Olivia felt a tear slide down her cheek and she wiped it away hurriedly. "Have you seen Elliot lately?"

"He's divorced from Kathy. They broke it off about five months after you left. There was this one day, when Queens Homicide came in to give us some information on one of our serial killers who expanded to rape, and he was chosen to work with us. I suppose the Brass thought he would work with everyone better then someone who didn't know Munch and Fin, because it was before Edwards and Penton were added to the squad. He came in, all angry and moody, and he saw your empty desk. He yelled for Cragen and me, and we had to tell him that you were gone." Casey watched her friend, devastated that she had to be the one to tell her this.

"Was he upset?" she choked out, weeping quietly.

"He didn't believe us at first. I told him I had dropped you off at the airport, and Cragen mentioned how he had went to your apartment only to find it empty. He yelled that you had left him again and how he hoped you were happy, wherever you were. Then he stormed up to the roof. I followed him, to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. He was crying, Liv. It was the first time I saw him cry," Casey whispered.

* * *

"Push, Miss Benson. We need you to push now," the doctor told her, and Olivia yelled something that nobody could understand.

"Come on, Livvy, don't you want to see your baby? Push, you gotta push, Liv," Casey encouraged.

"It hurts!" Olivia yelled, sweat soaking her forehead. Casey had only been visiting for a week when she felt her water break. Casey drove her to the hospital, and she had gone into labor. That was twelve hours ago.

"Come on, Olivia. You can do it!"

"I see it, Miss Benson. Just one more push and you will have your baby," the doctor said.

"Hear that, Liv? He can see your baby. Push, Liv, you can do this!"

Olivia yelled for another long moment, concentrating completely on having her baby. Soon, she heard a soft cry that could only be a baby.

"Congratulations, Miss Benson. You have a beautiful healthy baby girl," the doctor said, cleaning up the baby and whisking her away to check for any wrongs.

"Congratulations, Liv! You're a mommy now!" Casey exclaimed, and Olivia let her head fall back onto the hospital pillow. She was crying and laughing and breathing heavily, but she was so happy when she heard her baby cry.

"Can I hold her?" she asked quietly, and the doctor wrapped her baby into a blanket and put her in her mother's arms.

"She's beautiful," Casey whispered.

"She's mine," Olivia said. "Adelaide Claire Benson is mine."

* * *

Mother and daughter had been allowed to go home after the third day. Olivia had paused when filling out the birth certificate, but ultimately decided to leave her baby's father space blank. Better that her daughter not know. Maybe it would help her to forget.

Casey, who was there when the forms were being filled out, was slightly surprised when Olivia left the father space blank. There was no doubt in her mind that the woman knew the father of her baby, but perhaps she didn't want her baby to know.

"Casey, when are you going home?" Olivia asked, after putting her child down for a nap. Adelaide's bedroom was yellow, with plenty of flower designs.

"I'm flying out tomorrow. I need to get back."

"Thank you for coming. I'm glad someone was there," she said gratefully.

"It was my pleasure. Can I ask you a question?" She had asked this question once before, nine months in the past. Olivia had started freaking out when she asked, so she let the matter drop. Now, it was time to bring it back again.

"What?" Olivia had a suspicious look in her eyes.

"Who is the father of your baby?" Casey gently asked. Olivia bit her lip and started crying again.

"It only happened once, Casey. It never happened before then, and it never happened after. He doesn't love me, so why does it matter?"

"How do you know that he doesn't love you? Who is he, Liv?"

"I can't tell you yet, I just can't. I know he doesn't love me, otherwise this never would have happened. I left because this baby is mine, not his, not ours. She is my daughter. I want to raise her as my daughter. She doesn't need to know the world I come from," she muttered sadly. She really didn't want to have to tell Casey that she had slept with Elliot. She didn't want to admit how foolish she had been, how foolish she was being now.

"Adelaide is beautiful. I am so happy for you. But, how can you be so sure you want this life for her? You grew up never knowing your father. While you turned out wonderful, you are left always asking questions. You still ask questions. Do you want her to be like that, when she is older? To always be wondering, never knowing…"

"I am going to tell her about him. I am going to tell her about everyone. This isn't permanent, my living here. I just need to think things through, make sure I know how to live the rest of my life before I go back to my life. Right now, it's on hiatus, but I will come back. It may be in a few months, it may take a few years. One day, I will come back. I just can't rush what I need to do! Goodnight, Casey. I'm tired." Without looking back Olivia climbed the stairs and disappeared into her bedroom. There, she wrote in her journal and cried herself to sleep once more, perhaps for the final time.

* * *

"I guess this is goodbye, again," Casey said, putting her bag into the back of the taxi. Olivia stood, holding Adelaide in her arms, on her front step.

"I'll miss you," Olivia replied, then she took a piece of paper from her pocket. "This is my new email address. Don't give it to any of the guys. Just email me sometimes, ok? Let me know how everything is."

"I will," Casey promised, taking the paper. "I can't tell them anything yet, can I?"

"No, I don't think it's a good idea. Goodbye, Casey. See you soon." Olivia hated goodbyes, especially this one. This one was terribly final.

"I better see you soon. Goodbye, Olivia. Goodbye, Addie!" Casey embraced her friend and kissed the top of Adelaide's head. Then, she climbed into the taxi and shut the door. Quickly, she rolled down the window and stuck her head out.

"Who is he, Liv? Who?" It was one last desperate plea, but Olivia merely shook her head and waved with the hand not holding her daughter.

Then, Casey was gone, and she was alone once more.

* * *

"Where were you, Casey?" Munch asked, seeing the familiar ADA walk into the precinct once more.

"My college friend wanted me to come out to New Mexico for an extended visit," she lied.

"Casey, Munch, Fin, my office. Now." Cragen poked his head out of his door and barked an order at them and slammed it shut a moment later. Everyone was curious about why they were being summoned to his office, but once Fin had closed the door, he said three little words that shocked everyone in the room.

"Elliot's coming back."

"What?" Fin asked.

"Elliot's coming back," Cragen repeated. "Detective Penton is transferring to Homicide."

Silence filled the small office. Everyone had a single thought on their mind, and it was simply _Where is Olivia?_

"Now, get back to work," Cragen said, after letting the news sink in for a moment.

And, they did.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N-** Enjoy! 

**Disclaimer-** Not mine. Duh!

**Pretty Please?-** Reviews. I love them. Especially if they tell me what I can do to improve or what you like about my story. Mmkays?

**Story Summary- **She didn't want to be his. She didn't want them to be his. Angsty E/O.

* * *

Four years. Four years of cases, of victims not getting justice. Four years of after-hours drinks in the local bar, four years of heart-to-hearts. Four years of dealing with the fact that Olivia hadn't come back. Four years of Elliot steadily declining, falling into a dark place that nobody could pull him from.

Four years of no word from Oregon. Four years where Casey wondered if she should get back onto a plane and bring Olivia back. Four years where she debated trying to call Liv on Christmas, on her child's birthday in the middle of May. Four years of silence. Four years where no phone calls were placed. Four years where everyone involved pretended the man who used to be one of their best detectives wasn't fast down the path of destruction. Four years of waiting.

The time for waiting had come and gone.

* * *

Four years. Had it really been that long? She still lived in that stupid little cottage. She was still an online counselor. The only thing that had changed was her daughter, her little Addie. Addie now spoke, walked, and was potty trained. She had wonderful dark hair, like her mama's, but she had the bluest eyes imaginable. Olivia could only compare them to one person, and she didn't want to talk about him.

But, she did. Ever since Casey left, Olivia had been telling her daughter bedtime stories. These stories weren't from any book or CD, but they were from her mama. How her mama and her friends had saved people and had wonderful adventures. How they met interesting people, both good and bad, and the good people always won.

* * *

"Mama!" Addie called, running over to where Olivia sat, writing in her journal.

"What is it, sweetheart?" Olivia asked, standing up.

"Look! Someone's coming!" Adelaide pulled gently on her mother's skirt and Olivia picked her up and rested her on her hip, waiting for the car to pull to a stop.

"Let's go see who it could be," she suggested, and then walked over to where the car was slowing.

"A visitor!" Her daughter clapped her hands and Olivia couldn't help but laugh.

"Maybe," she whispered, tickling the little girl in the tummy. Then she turned to the car, where a woman had climbed out. She couldn't see the woman's face, she was facing the driver and had her back facing mother and child.

"Who's there?" she called, taking a precautious step back. The woman straightened at the sound of her voice and turned around. "Casey?" Olivia put her daughter back onto the ground and stood there for a moment. Casey ran over to her and hugged her close.

"Olivia!"

"Mama, who's this?" Addie asked, clearly annoyed.

"This is my best friend, sweetheart. This is Casey."

"You mean she's real?" An angelic sort of innocent surprise came over her daughter's face and Olivia couldn't help but pick her up and swing her around in the air. Addie squealed, smiling and laughing with delight.

"Yes, silly goose, she's real. Remember what I told you? All my friends are real, only the stories aren't. Now, can you go inside and pick out some shells? I'll make you a necklace in a few minutes. I need to talk to Casey for a moment." Addie frowned and her blue eyes showed her mood. She turned and went into the house, her straight brown hair fanning behind her as she ran. Without pausing for a greeting Olivia turned back to Casey.

"What happened?" It had been four years since they had spoken.

"She's absolutely gorgeous, Liv," Casey said, nodding towards where the little girl sat at a window. "Looks just like you."

"Thank you. What happened?" she asked again, searching her old friend's eyes. When Casey opened her mouth and closed it again without speaking, her heart plummeted. Then, she said the only three words that would ever get Olivia Benson to leave.

"Elliot needs you."

* * *

"Adelaide? Adelaide Claire Benson, come here please!" Olivia called, her voice cracking over the words. Instantly the little girl came running down the stairs.

"You ok, Mama?"

"We're going on a trip, sweetheart. We're going to visit my friends in New York! Now, Casey here is going to help you pack, ok? Just show her where your clothes are and she will know what to do. We need to leave soon."

"New York?" Her daughter's voice stumbled over the vaguely foreign words.

"Yes, sweetheart. It's where Mama is from. Now, can you please just do as I'm asking right this moment? I'll pack you sweets and a coloring book, and maybe we'll get an ice cream. Just please, take Casey up to your room and show her where you keep your things. I'll be in there to help in a minute." She knew she sounded desperate, but after a long moment of thought the little girl grabbed Casey's hand and pulled her up the stairs.

She ran around her room blindly, throwing her new wardrobe into a suitcase that still held her old clothes. She left out one old blue sweater and one nice white camisole, and a pair of blue jeans that she prayed still fit. Once all of her personal belongings were packed away, she called her boss to tell her that she was quitting. Whatever the outcome of this little trip was, she knew that she would never be returning to this place again, not permanently.

Next to pack was her kitchen and living room. Most of the furniture she would leave, but she kept her plates and cutlery. There were a few photo albums of her daughter, as well as the collection of journals she had kept since the day she had moved to Oregon. Those things, along with her laptop, where lovingly placed into a carryon bag.

Now all she had to do was worry about her daughter. She had a collection of toys, all different shapes and sizes, and Olivia knew that some of those things had to be left behind. Little things, like teddy bears and storybooks and dolls, could fit in with her clothes.

* * *

"Casey, how are things?" Olivia asked, walking into her daughter's room. She had changed into her old clothes, and she swore she saw a tear well up in Casey's eyes when she picked up her daughter.

"Everything's good to go. I was just telling Adelaide here how the last time I came to visit you, she was a very little baby. Now she's a big girl."

"Wonderful. Addie, come on. We're leaving."

* * *

Seven hours. That was all they had to wait through. Olivia had called ahead on her cell phone and arranged for a cot to be dropped off at her old apartment. Now she was sitting on a plane, sandwiched between Casey and Addie. Addie had fallen asleep somewhere over the Plains, and Casey hadn't said anything about Elliot yet. Now was as good a time as any.

"What do you mean, he needs me?" she whispered, careful not to wake her daughter. "How do you know?"

"The day I got back, after visiting you, Cragen told me Elliot was returning. I knew he might be a bad person to work with, but my ideas were nothing compared to the real thing. He's so angry, Liv. He's so angry, and upset, grief stricken, and he has this crazed idea that you ran off with some guy and now you're living in Happily Ever After. He won't talk to anyone about anything. I was hoping you at least could get him to say something."

"I don't want to face him, I can't," Olivia admitted.

"He doesn't know about his daughter, does he?" Casey cast a meaningful glance at the sleeping child.

"She's got his eyes. It only happened once, Case. You've got to understand that. The night before he left SVU, he showed up at my apartment. He was angry and bitter and broken, and I thought I could help him, so I let him in. He kissed me, and I kissed him back, and everything spiraled out of control." She was fighting back tears now, weeping at the memory. "And the worst part is, after he finished needing my body, I asked him what would happen now. And all he could say was 'I don't know.' He told me he didn't know, but he did. He was already planning on going. He lied to me, and he used me. That's why I panicked when I found out I was pregnant. He would either think that I had slept with someone else right around the time that I had slept with him, or he would know that Addie was his."

"She's got his eyes, and his smile. But would that have been a bad thing, him knowing that Addie was his daughter?"

"She's not his daughter. She's my daughter. He forfeited all choices when he left, when he didn't come after me when I left." She was shaking her head sadly. Her eyes were closed, and sleep managed to claim her, but not before she heard Casey's words.

"Now you're going back to him. Now he ought to become yours, too."

* * *

They had gotten into a cab at the airport, and it had driven her through the city back to her precinct. Olivia Benson was home. She pointed out familiar sights to her daughter, mentioning something amusing or interesting that had happened there. The cab managed to pass her apartment building, and Addie was laughing when Olivia told her that that was where they would live now. Then they pulled up in front of the precinct, and all her worries and fears flooded back into her mind.

"I still don't think I can do this," she told Casey, and then she settled her daughter happily on her hip.

"Are we meetin' everyone now?" Addie asked, and Olivia nodded.

"Yes, sweetheart, we are."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N-** Sorry, but it's a rather short, and angsty chapter ahead. This is part five of six. Is anyone besides me sad that this story is already coming to an end? Perhaps a sequel is in order...drop a review if you think that their story shouldn't end with one more chapter! Ooh...and the italic bits at the end of this itty-bitty chapter are supposed to be considered as Elliot's private thoughts. Or something along those lines. 

**Disclaimer-** Not mine. Duh!

**Pretty Please?-** Reviews. I love them. Especially if they tell me what I can do to improve or what you like about my story. Mmkays?

**Story Summary- **She didn't want to be his. She didn't want them to be his. Angsty E/O.

* * *

Munch and Fin must've been out when she walked in, but Cragen wasn't. He looked at her, disbelief clear in his sad eyes. He approached her slowly, like a person would approach a wild animal, a wild animal that would run away at any time.

"Welcome back," he managed to say.

"Captain, I'd like you to meet my daughter, Adelaide Claire Benson. Addie, sweetheart, do you remember me telling you about Captain Cragen? This is who I was talking about."

She looked so eerily different yet so similar, standing there with her child in her arms. All Cragen could do was pat Addie on the head before embracing Olivia in a half-armed hug.

"When you ran away, I never imagined you would go so far."

"I went all the way to Winapoint, Oregon. But now, I'm back."

"Elliot's here," he whispered.

"I know. Casey told me."

"He's on the roof. Go and talk to him."

* * *

The roof was always a nice place to escape to and think. He could watch the city below and pretend that nothing was wrong in his miserable life. Sometimes, when the wind blew, he thought he could hear her voice. Sometimes he played out entire conversations in his mind, conversations with her. So today, while the wind was whistling and the clouds that would soon bring rain gathered overhead, he thought nothing of it when he heard her voice again.

"Elliot." She was calling his name. Pleading, begging, and yelling out his name.

"Elliot, turn around and look at me." A command. She had never given him a command before, not in his dreams or nightmares. Then he thought he heard footsteps, then the lightest touch possible on his back. Two sets of hands, touching his shoulders and back. Instantly he whipped around and caught the person by the wrists, using a classic cop maneuver. The face he saw nearly ripped his heart out.

For once, Olivia had listened to her instinct and left her daughter downstairs with Casey and everyone. Now, she was beginning to be thankful that she had made that choice. She had only wanted to touch him, because he wouldn't turn around. She never once dreamed he would catch her. His hands tightly encircled her wrists, and her wrists were pressed against her body. Of course, his hands were against his body, so there was no space in between them, but she couldn't help but audibly gasp when he caught her.

He was staring at a ghost. It had to be, but yet he could feel her in his grasp, feel her body pressed up against his. He heard her gasp, and that was when his senses came rushing back. He threw her hands down and turned away.

"Elliot, I-" she began.

"I don't want to hear it. You left, Olivia. You left for four years! Years, not months. Do you have the slightest idea what that was like? I had nothing. I still have nothing. My partners can hardly tolerate me, my wife divorced me, and my children are frightened by me. You left me, too," he yelled accusingly. Olivia glared at him and her voice increased in volume as she replied.

"I left you? That's bull, Elliot, and you know it. I did not leave you. You left me. You used me and then you left me. That day was possibly the worst day in my life, did you know that? Coming into work, already scared out of my mind because I had just broken all the rules, and finding that you were already gone, was the worst day, ever."

He didn't know he had caused her that much grief that day. He could hear the bitter, angry, and raw emotion in her voice. But, he still had one more card left to play.

"Do you think that day was bad? C'mon, Olivia, step off your high horse. You seriously thought I had left for good? You knew I'd come back. How do you think it felt, coming back to the squad after being gone for almost ten months, and seeing the looks on everyone's faces? They all knew something I didn't. That's when they told me you up and disappeared. Disappeared, not just left. You disappeared. Cragen couldn't find you, Casey hadn't heard from you, and nobody knew where you were. It was awful, knowing that this time you had left for good. You were supposed to be my partner! What did you do for all these years, Olivia? Did you meet a man and make him happy? Did he make you happy?" Elliot hissed.

"The past four years have probably been the best years of my life, alongside the years we spent as partners," she began, but he interrupted with angry words.

"What is his name?"

"There wasn't anyone. Ever. I never so much as dated all these years."

"There has to be something in your life to keep you occupied. You're lying through your teeth, Olivia. Did he make you happy? Did he come home every night, and tell you he loved you?"

"There wasn't anyone like that!" she cried, frustrated, and stamped her foot on the ground. "Listen, I left because I had to, because there was nothing left to keep me here."

"There was me," Elliot said darkly.

"Don't you get it? You were already gone. I knew the cycle by now. You'd go off somewhere, blow off some steam, and come back expecting me to be here waiting for you. This time, I couldn't wait for you. I didn't want to wait for you. So I didn't."

"You were supposed to be my partner. My best friend!"

"Best friends don't use each other," she whispered.

"When did I ever use you?" This was a new one, a new insult to add to his tally of grievances he had caused everyone he cared for.

"You knew that every fiber in my being cared for you. You knew I'd go to any lengths to protect and care for you, regardless of what might happen to me. Maybe I shouldn't have let you into my apartment that night. Maybe I should've said something, anything. Maybe the situation could've been handled better. Maybe it's all my fault, but who cares? You needed a release, Elliot, and you knew that I would always let you in. You knew that, and you took advantage of it." Her voice was quiet, like she had long since stopped assigning blame.

She really had stopped with the blame game a long time ago.

His stomach dropped down beneath his toes, guilt giving it an express ride. He opened his mouth to say something, but couldn't find the right words.

"I don't want anything from you. I suppose we'll go run away again, and you can sit here and stew in your misery. It was great to see you, Elliot. Really," she said sarcastically, and stalked off towards the door. It had barely shut before her words made it into his head.

_We? What did she mean, we?_ He ran after her and was standing at the bottom of the stairs, in the doorway to the bull pen, but paused to think up a response.

In the moments he spent trying to think, Olivia was busy saying goodbye to Cragen. She hadn't noticed Elliot standing in the doorway, so she didn't think anything of it when Addie ran to her and hugged her lower legs.

"Mama, Casey bought me a hot dog!" The pure innocence of her face made Olivia want to cry.

"That's absolutely wonderful, sweetheart," she said with forced happiness, picking up her daughter and swirling her around. She stopped suddenly, seeing Elliot in front of her.

Without even thinking she held Addie close, protectively shielding her in her arms from the explosion bound to follow.

_The little girl had called her Mama. She couldn't have been more then four years old…_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N- **Here's the sixth and final chapter a little early. I have almost no time at all tomorrow and I'm going to be busy most of the weekend, so I didn't want to leave you all waiting. So, here it is! It's over! I'm so sad. This has been a fun short little fic to write. Let me know if you want a sequel, because I'm on the fence. I guess now I have to return to writer's block and my first fic, "Daughters of SVU." That should be updated within a week and if you haven't read it yet, you ought to go check it out. Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed this story. It makes me happy to know that my work, even if it began as a random thought after I completed an exam early, was read and people enjoyed it enough to comment. For a writer, at least for me, knowing that your work is appreciated and read and recognized if only for a small moment is nice. Enjoy the final chapter!

**Disclaimer-** Not mine. Duh!

**Pretty Please?-** Reviews. I love them. Especially if they tell me what you thought of this, the final chapter. :D

**Story Summary- **She didn't want to be his. She didn't want them to be his. Angsty E/O.

* * *

Oh, God, no. No, no, no, no…He knew that smile. It was the same look Dickie had, the same look everyone told him that Dickie got from his father. His smile was on that little girl, even if only for a fleeting moment before Olivia hugged her close. Then the little girl twisted in his old partner's arms and he caught a glimpse of her face. She was a perfect replica of her mother, except for those blue eyes. Oh, God, no…they hadn't been protected, she had been pregnant, she ran, she had had his child… 

"What's your name, sweetheart?" Elliot asked her, stepping forward. The girl looked to her mother for reassurance and Olivia nodded, her eyes welling up with tears.

"Adelaide Claire Benson, but everyone calls me Addie. Mama only says Adelaide when she really needs to talk to me. Who are you?" Addie asked, her words baby-like and curious.

"I'm your mother's old partner, Elliot." He wasn't sure if he could introduce himself as her father, if Olivia would get even angrier with him if he did.

"Addie, sweetheart, can you go with Casey? I need to have a grown-ups talk with Elliot."

"You've had lots of grown-ups talk today," Addie pouted.

"I know, sweetheart, but today has been very important to me. I haven't seen my friends in almost five whole years."

"Ok dokey, Mama." Olivia put her daughter down, who ran and took Casey's hand. Hopefully Casey would entertain her with some coloring books or something. They disappeared into the crib, along with Cragen.

"She's beautiful," Elliot whispered, searching for the right things to say.

"She's my daughter, Elliot." It was a statement, very clear, and it left no room for errors.

"Why didn't you tell me? She's my daughter, too." His mind was reeling. He had another daughter, a beautiful girl. He had a daughter with Olivia Benson.

"No. She's mine."

"You could have told me."

"And then what?" Olivia asked, a cold laugh escaping from her lips. "You would've done the noble Catholic thing. You would've gotten out of the failing relationship you had with Kathy, maybe you would've even married me. And then I'd just become the next Kathy in your life. I'd be the cop's wife, always worrying, always wondering if the next time I saw my husband would be in the morgue. I would have your child, maybe even more then one, but we would argue. We would argue, and eventually we would have ended it. Because you wouldn't have really loved me, Elliot. You would love our child, you would love the family set-up. But you would never love me. I didn't want to put my daughter through that."

"Why do you think I wouldn't love you?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"You never came after me. You never tried to find me, or figure out what had happened to me. Casey had to come back to Oregon and tell me that you needed me."

"What do you mean, Casey had to come back?"

"She was there, Elliot. She was with me when Adelaide was born. I needed a friend with me in that moment. I did everything else on my own, the doctor visits, and Lamaze classes, maternity clothes shopping, picking out baby names, and choosing baby furniture. I just wanted someone who cared about me to be with me to experience my miracle, my baby being born." She felt tears slide down her face, and she didn't care. After five years of scripting out this conversation in her head, dreaming about when Elliot would find out that he had another daughter, it felt good to finally tell him.

"You had Casey there, but you couldn't even tell me? What about Cragen, huh? He was worried sick about you, and you were off living some fairy-tale life with my daughter!" His rage was capturing him again, he was yelling to make a point.

"She's not your daughter!" Olivia sobbed. "She's my daughter, I raised her as my daughter, and I will continue to raise her as my daughter!"

"She still has my DNA, Olivia. She is my child. Are you happy, letting her grow up not knowing any of this? Not knowing Cragen or Munch or Fin, or me. Can you honestly tell me you're okay with that?"

"I'm not okay with it! Cragen could've been Grandpa, Munch might've been Uncle John. I cheated my daughter out of a few good relationships with some of the best men I know, but that's only because I was afraid of this!" How could he possibly understand? She wiped the back of her hand across her face and took a step back, preparing to escape yet again.

"Afraid of what? You're my partner. You're my daughter's mother. You were my best friend. And…" his voice faltered.

"And what?" she asked, despite herself.

"And at one point, you were what I wanted," he admitted softly.

"But now I'm not your partner, not your best friend, and I'm definitely not something you want anymore," she said, and then she waited for a heated response. None came.

"Elliot? I'm not something you want anymore, right?" She hoped he would say yes. It would make leaving again so much easier. She took steps back until she felt her thighs touch a desk. She chanced a glance down and realized it was Elliot's.

He lunged forward and cupped her face with his hands, pressing his lips against hers. There was no innocence of a first kiss, rather he let his pent-up rage empty into the single act he had wanted to do for so many years.

Her mouth was open, she was kissing him back with equal passion. She let him direct the movements, wrapping her arms around his neck and shoulders. She felt herself being lowered onto the desk, and soon she was lying down on files and looking up into the face of her old partner. That was basically when her senses kicked back into motion and she pushed him off of her.

"Elliot, no, we can't do this." It hurt her to say the words, but what was happening had to be stopped. Quickly.

"Why not?" he asked, breathing heavily.

"Because you don't really love me. If you hadn't seen Adelaide today, would you be kissing me on your desk right now? Or would I be in some taxi somewhere, running away again, while you pound a locker or something and wish I had never left? Be serious with yourself. Be serious with me."

"I am being serious. I do really love you. I want to take care of you and Addie for the rest of all our lives." There. He had said it. Now, wait for the reaction…

"You don't. You can't." She was shaking her head, as if that could help erase the words. "I can't allow it."

"I do. Why can't I?" He cupped her face again, and she turned away.

"It would make my running away a whole lot easier to understand. You left me, you never came after me when I left."

"I could say the same things to you. You never came after me that night. You never told me that you wanted me to come after you." He knew his words counted for very little, but he had just told his ex-partner he loved her. And it was the God-honest truth. Sometimes he tricked himself into believing he hated and blamed her, but he just couldn't.

"I wanted to believe that if you really cared you wouldn't have left me. You wouldn't have used me like that and then just leave. When I left, it was because I didn't want to be found." She was crying again. "I didn't want to be found. I wanted to live out the rest of my life alone, with my daughter."

"Why? How could you run away, knowing that you were having my baby?"

"It was instinct. Think about the reality of the situation then. I was pregnant with my one-time lover, eight year partner's child. He was married, a Catholic family man, and he had just walked out of my life. I was barely forty years old, and I wanted a baby. Even if it meant having yours, even if it meant I ran away. I didn't want to go, I really didn't, but it was the only way I could save me, my child, and you…I wanted to save everyone, Elliot, so I did what I thought was the best way to do so."

"By running away? That wasn't saving me. That nearly ruined me." His voice was quiet, no longer accusatory and angry.

"I saved you from me. I saved my child from knowing that her Mama and her father weren't on speaking terms. I saved me from sympathy."

"So what do we do now?" Elliot asked, a fearful look crossing his face.

"Unless I have good reason not to, I take my daughter back home. I'll teach her to forget what happened today. I'll raise her away from here, away from you, away from everything."

"I don't want you to leave. I want to be in my daughter's life, I want her to know me and everyone here. I want you to be here with me, too. I want you to be mine."

"Adelaide and I aren't possessions to keep and give away. We're not yours to lay claim to. You cling to _your_ job, claim that I was _your_ partner, _your_ best friend. You say that _your_ wife left you and _your_ kids are scared of _your_ temper. You have to stop claiming everything in your life," she told him, hoping that it didn't sound as awful as it felt to say it.

"How do I get you to stay?"

"Don't run away, because I won't be able to anymore. Don't close yourself off, because I'm going to try to be open with you. Don't want me as your anything," she paused and took a deep breath, "And I'll be yours."

* * *

In some ways she hated herself. Once again, she had come home, and she had given in to the one man who could break her. She had promised herself to him, when she wasn't sure if she could even trust him anymore. She had become his. His daughter's mother, his future lover. 

She had come back to New York City because he needed her. She hadn't planned on staying. Now she knew that she could never really leave it. If she was to be perfectly honest, she knew that the time was ready for her return. Addie needed a family, a real family. She would be getting that for the first time in her lifetime. She would have uncles and an aunt, a Grandpa and... a father.

She would have him. Olivia would have her. Elliot would have them both.

They belonged to and with each other, holding the place of the most prized possessions.


End file.
